A year later

Young woman sees no relief in passage of time
Kelly Gangwer lost
fiancé Chris Gray

FARRAH MAFFAI Jim and Janet Gray of Manalapan attend a remembrance ceremony at Brookdale Community College.

in Sept. 11 attack

By kathy baratta

Staff Writer

For Kelly Gangwer, "the only change from Sept. 11, 2001, to Sept. 11, 2002, is that the shock has worn off and reality has set, and it’s a reality that’s never going to change."

Gangwer’s reality is that she lost a man she had shared her life with for more than a decade.

"There is no replacing him," she said of Chris Gray, 32, her "life partner" with whom she shared her life since college and with whom she was to grow old with while doting on grandchildren.

Gray, a lifetime Manalapan resident, quarterbacked the Manalapan High School Braves and earned a scholarship to play football at West Virginia University. He signed as a free agent with the Miami Dolphins in 1992. When his football days were done, Gray went on to become a bond trader with the investment firm Cantor Fitzgerald.

As he worked in his office on the 105th floor of one of the twin towers on the morning of Sept. 11, 2001, Chris Gray became one of 2,800 victims of the deadliest enemy attack ever launched on the United States.

"We had it all," said Kelly, 31, who lived with Chris in Weehawken prior to moving back home to West Virginia in the aftermath of the tragedy.

Although they were cheated of a celebration of their love in the wedding that was to have taken place this past May, for Kelly, she is Chris’ widow.

"The only difference is a piece of paper," she said.

The passing of the last year has not diminished the depth of her loss. If anything, she said, it is worse.

In May, during the week before Kelly and Chris were to have been married, a fund-raiser was held in Morgantown, W.Va. Kelly said it was a huge success and raised enough money to fully endow a scholarship in Chris’ name at the university.

Kelly said she was able to take joy in that day for what the participants were able to do to honor Chris’ memory.

She marked their "wedding day" the following week by spending the day with the close friends who were to have served as her bridesmaids.

She said it is hard to realize a year has passed because "it’s still fresh in my mind."

Every day, according to Kelly, in ways that are forever beyond their control, she and the other victim-survivors confront constant reminders of their loss, both from their own memories, mementos and words — looks and phrases can let loose floodgates of renewed loss — and from simply turning on the television or radio.

"The exposure is daily; there is no reprieve. You can’t turn on the TV without seeing horrible pictures," she said.

Due to a kinship with strangers that can only be born of shared suffering, Kelly believes she speaks for most, if not all of those "left behind" as she acknowledges a grim truth — their grief has been co-opted by a nation. She and the others whose loss is direct and personal must now grieve in a process proscribed by well-meaning fellow Americans.

"Everything is now [marked] either pre- or post-9/11," she said, adding, "It’s not at all a private type of grieving.

"It’s very difficult. You don’t want anyone to forget the horrible tragedy of that day, but we [the survivor-victims] have seen enough," she said.

For the longest time after Sept. 11, Kelly said, she was "more in shock than denial."

She said what got her over the denial was the positive identification of Chris’ remains through DNA analysis.

Chris’ remains were identified in May, and his loved ones were able to find the comfort of a final resting place for him.

"It meant he wasn’t going to walk in the door," Kelly said.

However, to this day she said she still alternates between stages of grief.

As for therapy or support groups, Kelly wryly observed that her situation is unique, noting, "There are so many support groups that are obviously for surviving spouses, children, parents, siblings, etc., but none for fiancées."

What helps her, she said, is the relationship she has developed over the past year with two other fiancées of Cantor Fitzgerald employees, women who suffered the same loss as she did.

"We get together, and it helps," she said.

Kelly, who works as a nurse-practitioner in a West Virginia hospital, was planning to be with Chris’ family on Sept. 11. Chris is the son of former Manalapan Mayor Jim Gray and his wife, Janet.

Cantor Fitzgerald is holding a private memorial service in Central Park to mark the year’s end, but Kelly wasn’t sure she would attend.

"It’s not getting any easier to cope with. The sun still rises every day, but my heart is still broken," she said, adding that she goes to work and "for eight hours a day, I’m thankful for the distraction."

When she is home though, she said the events of Sept. 11 are the first thing she thinks of when she awakens and the last thing she thinks of at night. She said the constant images of the tragedy that bombard her daily also means there is no reprieve.

"You think maybe you’re becoming desensitized to the whole thing, and then I see the plane hitting that building, and I wonder, ‘What was he thinking?’ " Kelly said.