BY LINDA DeNICOLA
Staff Writer

LITTLE SILVER — The impact of teenagers being bullied by their peers online is often misunderstood and minimized by parents and school administrators, an expert on cyber bullying said.

Teenagers often create their own Web sites to show off what they feel is special, different or artistic about themselves, but they also post things online to get attention, sometimes in totally outrageous ways.

Parry Aftab, executive director of WiredSafety.org, held a seminar on Nov. 2 at Red Bank Regional High School in Little Silver to inform parents, students and educators about a growing problem that is as harmful, or even more so, as direct bullying because it happens under the radar.

She encouraged teens in the audience to speak up about cyber bullying and safety on the Internet.

Aftab, an attorney whose practice focuses on Internet privacy and security, was appointed by UNESCO to head its Innocence in Danger project for the United States in 1999.

The project was designed to ensure that all children gain safe access to the Internet. Its Wired Kids Inc. project, launched in 2000, provides important information and programs for children and teens, educators, law-enforcement officials, parents and librarians. It is designed to be a one-stop source for all matters related to children online, including online safety and privacy.

The WiredKids.com Web site, includes wiredsafety.org and stopcyberbullying.org. Wiredsafety provides help, information and education to Internet and mobile device users of all ages. They handle cases of cyber abuse, ranging from identity and credential theft, online fraud and cyberstalking to hacking and malicious code attacks.

The program at Red Bank Regional was sponsored by the Junior League of Monmouth County in cooperation with the high school.

About one-third of the seats were taken, and about half the attendees were teens or preteens. Aftab, whose sense of humor seemed to appeal to the teens in the audience, said “Believe it or not, this meeting is fairly well attended.”

Besides advocating for teens against cyber bullying, Aftab is also the privacy lawyer columnist for Information Week magazine, but she said lately she is spending a lot of time handling cases of cyber bullying.

She explained that she was an Internet lawyer with her own practice, but in 1997, she saw a picture of a 31/2 year-old being molested on a Web site.

“I cried for an hour and threw up for two,” she said, adding that she was so upset by what she saw she sold her business and became an expert in protecting children from others and from themselves.

“I spend a lot of time these days protecting kids from each other,” she said. “Kids think they are not accountable for what they do online because nobody knows who they are.”

She said when she asks young people what they do online she is often shocked. She told of one teenage boy who was well dressed and neat, who said he sends death threats based on information that he has found out about people in chat rooms.

“He said he was a good kid and wouldn’t really kill anyone.”

She added that she talked to over 400 students at another school and found out that 90 percent were involved in cyber bullying, and when she asked parents if they were aware of cyber bullying, only 15 percent said they were.

When she asked children why they don’t tell their parents about cyber bullying, she was told that the parents don’t take it seriously. She said it should be taken seriously if it happens more than once.

“Most cyber bullying comes from former friends,” she said.

One young girl in the audience said she didn’t care what other people said about her because she has self-esteem. Another said that the best way to stop cyber bullies is to ignore them because eventually they will stop.

“When someone bullies in real life, they are often told not to do that. But with cyber bullying there is no one telling kids that they have gone too far. Who is going to stop them?” Aftab asked, adding, “Our kids do it because they can. The Internet levels the playing field. They might be the biggest geek in school, but they can be anybody they want to be online.

“We need to let them know that whether they are online or off, they are seen.”

She said children need to learn not to share their passwords with their friends and not to encourage cyber bullies by visiting bashing sites.

For instance, she said, “Mean girl cyber bullies do it in packs. It’s called herd behavior. They get other girls to join in the cyber bullying. Fifty percent of teens and preteens have visited a bashing site of someone at school.”

She encouraged the teens to go to her help line at wiredsafety.org, where kids can get advice that will help them deal with serious threats and hurtful threats.

Aftab works closely with law-enforcement agencies in stopping cyber crimes against children. She suggested that the teens and preteens in the audience become teen or tween angels. “I train you, you train others,” she said.

She explained that the teen angel program requires six, two-hour training sessions. Each chapter usually has 15 to 20 kids with an adult who oversees it, usually a technology teacher or media librarian. The group picks a topic, researches it and then puts on a PowerPoint presentation.

“You learn what you need to learn. I’ll get you where you need to go,” she told the teens.

She explained that adults, youths, schools, law-enforcement agencies and technology companies need to work together.

“Parents need to be educated about what’s important and what should be ignored, and everyone needs to learn to deal with the victim’s feelings,” she said.

Aftab has written three books on the subject. Her new book, “Internet Safety 123,” is not out yet, but the other two, “The Parents’ Guide to Protecting Your Children in Cyberspace” and “A Parent’s Guide to the Internet,” are both available.